A short story about how dancing Salsa can be a trigger and about how Project Z Creator Damien overcomes the shadow behind it. (text in english)
Today, I finally stepped up in an area of my life I have been struggling with for the past years. I started taking salsa classes around 2013 because I wanted to share an activity with my partner, enjoyed the latin grooves and the challenge of learning moves. I really liked dancing in that school. Yet, when I went to a party, impossible for me to invite a stranger to dance. I was feeling nervous, anxious really. Way outside of my comfort zone. But why?
I had moves and some style. Even that knowledge would not change my state. It was visceral. A deep wound triggered…The fear of making mistakes, of being seen as flawed, of something being wrong with me, of not being enough, deeply engraved in my system since childhood and my teenage years. How had I avoided the trigger until then? Perfectionism or avoidance. No mistakes, no rejection. It had been my cover up all this time!
Then, in 2016, after three years of happy classes and nightmare parties (honestly not many, as I simply decided to avoid them…) another event added up to the situation. One late afternoon as I was about to go home from work, I heard the news that a colleague of mine had had an accident. I was sent there to help with the rescue mission for the next 2 days. Unfortunately there was no rescue to be done.
What link is there between dancing and this event? Simply that I missed my class that evening. And somehow, after that event, something in me had changed. I could not go to my classes anymore. The next weeks were hard, yet I only realised years later the wound this event had left in me.
So fast forward to today. My friend invites me to an outdoor salsa party. I accept and decide, at that moment, to finally throw off my shadow. My hands are sweaty, my heart is pumping, my legs slightly shaky. I start moving and leading with this strange feeling that I am not in my body. I can almost observe myself from outside. Do you know that feeling? It is like my mind and my body are dissociated. I tell myself: Breathe…feel…breathe… Don’t be perfect. Make mistakes, you’re going to be fine. And be childlike! Have fun, act wild and foolish and laugh! There is no danger. Nothing can happen to you.
I feel a strange mix of discomfort and joy in that moment. The wounded me and the free me. Both together on the dance-floor, entangled in a battle. I know the wounded me is still there, yet he lost control today. He did his part in the past where he protected me, nevertheless I don’t need him anymore. The free me can take over now, make mistakes and still be safe. And he will, oh yes he will, after the next 2-3 salsa evening where I will dance the shit out of him.What about you? Would you like to share a story of how you threw off your shadow and freed yourself?
Autor: Damien Vielle
